Bittersweet

Hi Everyone,

This is the most difficult entry I have had to write. We have been anxiously preparing for Elena's arrival and adoption. I received a message from New Horizons For Children the other day. They requested I call them back because the found out more information about Elena. I never expected to hear what they told me, nor was I prepared.

Let me give you some history. I had called the "house" to speak with Elena back in November. They said, via translator, that she was staying at a family's house in St. Petersburg. This did not sit well with me at all. Was she with her family and seeing her mother? They next week when I spoke with Elena, she was very cold. I asked her about her trip. I asked her if she had seen her mother and she said, "Da." I called New Horizons and asked them to help me find out what was going on. Seeing her mother and being adopted by us all at the same time could not be good for her emotional health. New Horizons contacted me and said that Elena was with a Foster family that takes orphans in for the weekend. She did not see her mother and the social worker said she probably just made it up, like a fantasy. This also did not sit well with me, as I have only known Elena for a short period of time, she has never lied or made up stories.


So, this time when I spoke with New Horizons, we had sent all our documents in, made the commitment to adopt and host, and were all excited for the upcoming weeks and months of welcoming home our daughter. They news they told me was bittersweet. Elena did not lie. She had seen her mother. The foster family took it upon themselves (against the rules mind you) to track down her mother and contact her. Elena had been secretly seeing her. Also, possibly because she found out Elena was going to be adopted, she decided to get sober. I am guessing, but I think the caregivers at the orphanage had spoken to Elena further, and realized she was telling the truth. They somehow contact her mother and she came to the orphanage. She said she has been sober for almost 3 months now and was looking for a place to live. She wants Elena to live with her. The orphanage agreed to give her six months to stay sober and straighten up her act.


Our concerns:

Elena's emotional health. What if her mother is unable to stay sober?


Our wishes:

That Elena's mother is able to remain sober, find a place to live, work and care for Elena.


Why is the news bittersweet?

Bitter because we love Elena and wanted nothing more than to officially make her our daughter. The news that we will be unable to adopt her and probably never see her again has been devastating for us.


Sweet because we know that Elena's utmost dream would be to be with mother and that her mother would want her. How wonderful would that be if this all worked out?!

They Shaved Her Head!!!

A dear friend was in Russia this week and brought Elena a package to her from us. She met with Elena and took pictures. She pre-warned me that they shaved her head!

She is so beautiful, with or without hair. Our hearts broke for her - we know how important her hair is to her, just as any other little girl. We also clearly remember how upset she was when we took her to get her hair cut and she thought her head was going to be shaved. We understand why (most likely due to lice in the orphanage), but it is still frustrating because we cannot be there to comfort her. I went out to the mall and bought a bunch of head bands and clips (I don't even think her hair is long enough to be clipped, but I am hoping that in 3 weeks miracles can happen.)

Craig and I were very distrubed by the thought of what she went through and it kept popping in our heads all week. We feel that she is already our daughter, although she may not be legally. We want her home, protected, with us.

Documents done - Check!

Yes, finally every document is done (at least for now!) and sent to California to be reviewed. I was told that it will be going to Russia the first week in December. It will then be interpreted, and then registered in Russia. Russia shuts down for a good month because of the holidays (sounds like NJ state workers!), so we should expect our first trip in February.

So, because of all these delays and setbacks, we decided we are going to host Elena again for Christmas! She will arrive her the evening of 12/16 and will stay until 1/16. It is a little over 4 weeks. We are really excited about seeing her again (beyond words) and this time we can talk about the "A" word (adoption)!

Stop the ride! I want to get off!

Okay, it has been quite a while. A very long while since this blog has been updated. There has been so much going on and so many changes occurring, but I do need to keep up. I was going to title this post "The Roller Coaster Ride, " but then I realized that roller coasters can be fun, especially when you are going downward. So, that was not a good analogy. So lets just say I am on Disneyland's Indiana Jones ride. There are sharp twists and turns, you go slow then fast, you dodge bullets and wild animals. And right at the end, a large rock comes rolling towards you and at the last minute, you avoid being crushed. So, let me sum up the last few months and all the bullets, wild animals and large boulders we have been dodging.

• 1. Our home study agency went under the week we were going to have it signed and notarized. We quickly had to find another agency who was willing to take our existing home study and basically put their letterhead on it. Luckily, we did find a great agency who was flexible and very willing to help us (Adopt Abroad), but we were still delayed quite a few months because of this set back.
• 2. We got a call from our adoption agency. They informed us that Elena (that is what is written on her passport) was very known to them. She was supposed to adopted this past spring by a family who hosted her about 2 years ago. They actually went to Russia, accepted the referral and then after returning home, changed their minds. They found out that Laina was calling her mother on a cell phone and they felt that Laina didn't want to be adopted. This answered a lot of questions we had about her reactions and behaviors. This was just another adult not keeping their promise. The adoption agency strongly encouraged us NOT to pursue adoption.
• 3. We asked New Horizons for Children to find out what the deal was with Laina's mother and did she want to be adopted. We did not want to force her to live here. We waited over a month for an answer, but her answer was, "Yes, 100%!" No stopping us now!
• 4. Gathering all our documents and getting them notarized and apostilled - what a chore. We had to have one document notarized 4 times because there was always something not right or the notary did not sign correctly. They really had a hard time understand that there could be no cross outs, no mistakes.

So, onward we move, trying to avoid the bumps and potholes.

The First Phone Call

It took me a month, but I finally found out how to call Laina. The phone rang, I asked for her in my horrible Russian, and the phone was put down. Soon I heard the laughter of a child and running feet. "I hear her! It's Laina!", I yelled out. "Mommy!" I gave her lots of kisses and then she says, "No America! Yes Russia!" She was very distant and cold and she had a friend with her who was trying to interpret. Finally, by the end of conversation, her coldness diminished and she said, "Bye Mommy, I love you, too!" It felt so good just to hear her voice and feel close to her again.

DENY- ILL

I know this posting is way over due. Once Laina left, everything went back to the way it was before she came. She felt so far away, and it felt like the 5 weeks this summer were just a dream. I was driving on Rt. 80 and I saw "DENY - ILL" on a license plate and at first I thought it said, "De-NY (New York) Ill" and thought NY will make you ill?! Okay, denial is a powerful emotion, you must admit, and I have a strong relationship with it right now, so it took a little while before I realized what it truly said. Then I just had to agree with it. At least I am not in denial that I am in denial.

After she left, I slept in her room for a couple of days. Then Jeremy also did. I also caught Craig in there napping. I think we all just wanted to somehow connect with her, to hold on.

Jeremy misses her terribly, as do Craig and I. We cleaned her room out and organized it a couple of weeks ago, and that was a difficult task. Although we are hoping on having her back in our lives forever, nothing is for sure until it is done. Her leaving feels like a huge loss in our lives. It is pretty amazing how much she has affected our lives in only a few short weeks.

So, we all have moments when we remember and this summer feels real again, and then we go back to living life as before. Denial can be bliss, or at least for now it is helping us survive.

All the Color is Gone

Laina left on Saturday night. The days before she left we kept busy - Great Wolf, Great Adventure, etc. Whenever she would get sad, I would tell her, "No crying today. Today we are going to just be happy."

We packed her things Friday night and she wanted to take everything, of course. She was only allowed to take 2-3 toys, so she took her "babies." We told her that this was her room and all her toys would be here when she returned at Christmas time. I slept in her bed that night, and she woke up several times saying in Russian, "Oh, tomorrow I'm flying home," or just sadly saying, "Tomorrow." Saturday we just all cuddled together until we had to leave.

It was difficult at the airport, but strangely we all avoided the obvious sadness that lingered in the air. She was excited, but at the same time sad. We were busing helping get tickets and watching other children, that we didn't have time to be sad. When it time to go, she did not cry. We said our "I love you's" and we waved goodbye through security. We waved to each other as she walked down the corridor until she was gone.

The next day was surreal. I felt like the last 5 1/2 weeks were a dream. Was it real? Did it all happen? She felt so far away. Later that day, we realized that something was different with the pond. There was no more bright oranges and whites, no more color. All the koi in the pond have vanished.

Lainey's First English Sentence

Although she has spoken in complete sentences, they were sentences like, "I love you," (or "I love you two!") or "I'm hungry." But on Thursday she said her first real sentence in English. She had made toast and left it out on a small table in the living room. This is a big mistake in my house. When she came back from where ever she was, she turned to me and showed me the empty dish. I said "Peppy." Yes, little Pepper (the Pomeranian) is a master thief and has been caught stealing things that are far to big for his little eyes. She looked at me, very surprised and said, "You saw Peppy take it?!", with a strong accent on the "saw." I almost fell off my seat. I was so excited! It was so great to hear her say something without being prompted and to actually hear her surprise in her voice! I can't wait to actually have a true conversation in English with her.

Week 5

We went to the farewell party and after her friend Irina left, she told me she was sad. Then she began to tear up, so I took her to our car and I cradled her. She told me she was sad about going back to Russia. She wouldn't go back to the party and I told her I just had to get Poppy (that's what she calls Craig now) and Jeremy and then we'll go home. She reluctantly headed up the road towards the house, but as we got close, she let go of my hand and ran towards the car. I heard her crying as she ran.

I caught Craig's attention and told him we had to leave, and I got in the car and sat next to her. She was sobbing. The kind of sob where you just don't care that you are drooling or that your nose is running. The kind of sob that ice cream cannot cure, nor a new toy. She just sobbed and sobbed, and she continued for the next 45 minutes. It tore me apart, to see and hear her, and to not be able to do anything to make her feel better. On our way home, we passed the carnival, and I asked her if she wanted to go. In between her cries, she said, "Yes." I was relieved to find that maybe this will make her forget, and maybe she could just be a kid again.

She went one of the big rides and when she came off, she starting crying. When she stopped, she went on the next ride, but then wanted to get off because she was crying too hard. We held her and comforted her, and told her that we would write her, call her, and that she would be here at Christmas time. But you could tell that she didn't quite believe us, as she is probably use to broken promises. When she calmed down again, she and Jeremy went on some orbit ride and then Mama lost it. How are we going to say good-bye? What if the adoption doesn't work out, and we never see her again? Why does Christmas have to be so far away? I realize that it is all out of my control and I have to focus on the things I can do, like the adoption paperwork, and making travel plans. I have to remember to "Let Go and Let God," and believe...

Week 4

This week was just a normal week. Finally! We just hung out, went to the lake, the pool, feed our koi, feed the birds, walked the dogs, and stayed home and did nothing. It was relaxing and enjoyable to finally just be. Laina and Jeremy played together well at times (they like to play Tom and Jerry) and sometimes Laina wanted to play by herself and would spend some time playing "pretend." It is amazing how quickly she has become part of our family and so integrated into our everyday lives. I just expect her to be there.

We went to the local carnival and when we pulled in Laina's eyes grew big and she squealed with delight. She then turned and gave me a big kiss and hug. She is tall enough (56") to go on all the crazy, big rides. We stuck with the little kid rides since Jeremy and Remy (Sandy's son) were to small. But, she soon got bored and begged to go on the bigger rides. I told her that I could not go on with her because I get sick. She said it was okay for her to go on alone. And she did, that brave soul. Before the ride started, she looked alittle scared and I wish I was able to handle those types of rides so that I could comfort her. But as soon as the ride started, so did her smile!

I received a call that her "house" director was flying into Newark and then changing planes to fly to Atlanta. It was suggested that I go and meet her to help her find her next flight, and also to make an impression. She does have a say as to whether or not we could adopt Laina. Well, I am not sure what type of impression I made, and I hope it was good, but I just couldn't tell. She spoke very little English, but seemed very nice. She spoke a lot to Laina, and I heard a lot of "Mama" and "Papa," but not sure what she was telling her! Yikes! It was stressful.

Laina needed a haircut and I thought she would enjoy going to the beauty parlor (who doesn't!). When we told her she was going to get her haircut, she exclaimed, "NO!" I was shocked. I looked up hairdresser again in my book and made sure it was the right word. Again, she said, "No!" and motioned that they were going to buzz her hair short. I explained to her that they were only going to take off a little bit, and she said she would only go if Jeremy went. So he did and she did, and Craig said that as soon as she realized that they were not going to cut off all her hair, she really got into it and relished in the attention. This does explain her reaction of one time when she had to go to the bathroom and there was a barber shop close by. When I opened the door, there were several men getting their hair buzzed. She panicked and said, "NO!" I thought it was because of all the men, but the poor thing probably thought she was going to have her hair buzzed!